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Put a Stop to Your Self-Sabotage Once and for All

Put a Stop to Your Self-Sabotage Once and for All

Let’s put a stop to your self-sabotage once and for all.

Do you want something in your life but can’t seem to attain it? Maybe it’s a goal, dream, or vision you have and yet, month after month, year after year, the time passes by and you’re no closer to achieving it.

Have you already realized you’re sabotaging yourself? Do you actually witness yourself about to do the opposite of what could make you fulfilled, yet you still take that unhelpful action.

Sometimes it feels out of control or like you’re not the one driving that behavior. That’s your subconscious keeping you from living your best life.

Or maybe you’ve rationalized that it’s ok to watch TV for 5 hours when you planned to work on your finances, organize your office and then go for a walk.

You tell yourself that you’ve had a long stressful week at work and you deserve to numb out while binge-watching a TV show. But this short-term ‘reward’ doesn’t support or help your long-term goals.

Dissonance and Cognitive Dissonance

Dissonance is the opposite of harmony. It’s the tension when two conflicting or disharmonious things are combined.

For instance, you say you want less stress in your life and began to see good results by meditating daily, yet now you don’t make it a priority and don’t take the time to meditate at all.

More specifically, cognitive dissonance is a theory in social psychology. It refers to the mental conflict that occurs when your behaviors and beliefs don’t align, like in the meditating example above. You believe and know meditating daily reduces your stress, but your behavior of no longer doing so doesn’t align with that belief.

This mental conflict, or cognitive dissonance, can cause you to feel uncomfortable, stressed, anxious, ashamed or guilty. And since you have an instinctive desire to avoid these types of feelings, you attempt to relieve it.

That’s where the self-sabotage comes in and can have a significant impact on how you think and behave, and the decisions and actions you take. You may get some temporary relief, but in the long-run it’s unhelpful and destructive.

For instance, you may ignore your doctor’s advice, blood test results or published research that causes dissonance. And you may explain things away or devalue them to continue in your pattern.

Years ago, one of my co-workers knew smoking cigarettes was cancer causing yet she explained that it was necessary to calm her nerves given her demanding role at work. She also justified her smoking habit by saying she was concerned about gaining weight if she quit, like she witnessed in her other family members and friends. We’ll believe and keep doing just about anything to relieve the discomfort.

Self-Sabotage: Your Saboteur at Work

You may believe that this sabotaging voice is trying to protect you from harm or that it’s really helping you in some way.

But self-sabotage really is you creating problems for yourself that interfere with your true goals.

It’s not some outside force creating havoc in your life. Realize this and take responsibility for you and your saboteur.

And understand that your saboteur wants you to maintain the status quo in your life.

These are examples of saboteur thoughts. Do any of these sound familiar to you?

  • You’re not good enough or I’m not good enough.
  • You don’t deserve this or I don’t deserve this.
  • They’re going to get upset with you.
  • That’s too hard.
  • I’ll never be successful at this or you’ll never be successful.
  • I’ll do it tomorrow.
  • It’s not okay to be wealthy/happy.
  • It’s not safe to put yourself out there, they’ll criticize and judge you.

Listening to your saboteur is a choice you’re making so that you can feel differently. Pay attention to these thoughts or beliefs; noticing them is the first step in stopping your self-sabotage.

Additionally, expect the saboteur to get stronger whenever you begin to make positive changes in your life. Expect it and be ready for it. The action steps below can help.

Act with Intention: Identify your saboteur and stop your self-sabotage

The saboteur loses its power over us when we’re aware and can identify it, realize we have other options in that situation, and then consciously choose the action at that time that serves us best (gets us closer to our true goal).

Here are some actions to take to identify your saboteur and stop your self-sabotage. It takes practice and work, and consistency, and over time you’ll be back in control and seeing positive results.

  1. Identify your saboteur by answering these questions. Where are you sabotaging yourself? What does your saboteur often think or say? In your environment, either at work or at home, what self-sabotaging language is being used, by you or others? For instance, a new opportunity at work has come up. It would be a promotion for you and you’re excited to learn more about it. Then you feel a little apprehensive, even nervous or scared, and the following thought stream pops into your head “I’m not ready for this. What if I fail? It’s easier to just stay in this role and not put myself out there to be rejected.”
  1. Next, you want to challenge and change those beliefs. Every time that thought, belief or language comes up, recognize it as your saboteur and change it. Then consciously choose a new thought and behavior that supports your long-term goals and wellbeing.

In the example above, you recognize those thoughts and beliefs for what they are. It’s your saboteur.

  • Challenge “I’m not ready for this” with “Of course I’m ready, this is the perfect job for me.”
  • Challenge “What if I fail?” with “What if I don’t fail? What if I don’t even try?”
  • Challenge “It’s easier to just stay in this role and not put myself out there to be rejected” with “This new role is part of my long-term career plans, I’m ready for it and I’ll do a fantastic job. If I don’t get selected now, they may consider me for other opportunities in the future because I pursued this role and they know I’m interested in my career growth.”

You may need to get some leverage involved in order to change that thought or behavior. To do that, ask yourself, “What is this costing me in terms of health, wellbeing, relationships, and success? How is this holding me back from my goals and dreams and the vision I see for myself?”

In the example above, the leverage could be envisioning yourself in 2 – 5 years in the future, in the same role, earning a similar salary, not being challenged or growing professionally or personally. How would that feel? What have you missed out on? What are you still tolerating? How does staying stagnant impact your wellbeing, relationships, your long-term goals and dreams?

Challenge Yourself

If you’re struggling with achieving a particular goal, your saboteur could be at work. Sometimes you’re not even aware of it.

I challenge you to get really focused, act intentionally, identify your saboteur and stop your self-sabotage once and for all.

Leave a comment below when you start seeing the positive changes from stopping your self-sabotage. Share your success to encourage others.

Revealed: Why Having a Clear Purpose and Vision is Vital for Happiness

Revealed: Why Having a Clear Purpose and Vision is Vital for Happiness

Having a clear life purpose and vision is vital for your happiness.  

Many people, especially in the U.S., believe the only way to have what you want is to work hard and long. And that having what you want will bring you happiness.

I was under that misguided belief during my corporate career. Overworking, that led to chronic stress, was one of the main reasons that led to my health crisis and eventual change of careers (read more about that here).

Now as a coach and business owner, I still occasionally struggle with letting these limiting thoughts go. Thoughts like “Work is a priority above all other things”, “You’ll be seen as lazy and average if you don’t put in at least 8-10 hours a day”, or “You can’t be successful doing what you love, that’s what hobbies are for.”   

So how do you work smarter, not harder? Or love what you do so much that it doesn’t feel like work?

What do you do when things have changed, due to a job loss or health issue, that make the old way of living no longer possible? Or when there is a disconnect between the work role or personal role you fill and what you really desire for yourself?

You start with getting crystal clear about your purpose.

I’m a firm believer that everyone can benefit from life purpose work if you’re open to it and want to discover who you are at a deep level.

Your Life Purpose

Doing fulfilling work is a pipe dream for many people. It doesn’t have to be.

Purpose is intention. It’s defined as something set up with an end to be attained. Doing things on purpose is doing them intentionally. Life gets so much easier when you live on-purpose, doing things intentionally.

Wayne Dyer said it best: “When you stay on purpose and refuse to be discouraged by fear, you align with the infinite self, in which all possibilities exist.”

Your life purpose is your calling. It’s the reason that gives meaning to your life. An example is the nurse whose life purpose is to work generously and live in service to care for the health and wellbeing of others.

Discovering your life purpose focuses the attention on “be-ing” who you are. When you focus on “be-ing”, you do what you want and you get what you need.

Your Vision and Mission

Don’t confuse your life purpose with your vision or mission.

Your vision is a specific, compelling image of the future that you hold for your life.

Once you have determined your purpose, a vision gives context to your purpose and aligns you to that future state. Our nurse’s vision is that all people in need are able to receive high quality medical care.   

Your mission is the particular way you choose to fulfill your purpose at a specific point in your life. Continuing with our nurse example, her mission as she approaches retirement is to create a non-profit organization so that nurses and other medical personnel are able to visit poor rural communities and provide healthcare to those in need.

The Benefits of Life Purpose Work

Life purpose has been an interesting and popular topic for years. Perhaps you’ve read the best seller The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren or some other book about life purpose, mission statements or personal fulfillment.

Each of us has a unique life purpose. When you know your purpose, you have stability and security in that knowledge. It brings a sense of peace.

Once you determine your life purpose, you have a clear direction to take when deciding on what actions to take. Your life purpose guides you and keeps you on course.

It also provides a sense of confidence in knowing you’re doing what’s right and best for you. Having a clear life purpose minimizes confusion about your motives and what things mean to you.

Your life has more meaning when you’re “be-ing” on purpose.

Your Next Step: Take Intentional Action

There’s a desire for more self-reflection and life purpose work when you reach a certain age, life stage or if you’re in the midst of a life transition. Major events in your life could include job loss, divorce, 15-20 years in your career, empty nest/children have left, death of a loved one, or approaching retirement.

You may be experiencing one or more of these, and the desire for clarity and purpose is growing for you.

Keep in mind, it’s not easy to discover your purpose and vision when your life is busy. This is deep work; it’s a process of getting to know yourself fully.

You’ll have to carve out the time and effort this will require. Get in a quiet place where you’ll be able to do the deep self-reflection this requires.

1. Start with discovering your life purpose. Work with a coach or do some self-study to determine what it is.

This can be done by examining your past experiences, like listing out the roles you’ve found most fulfilling in your life. Or talking about some of the things you’ve always loved doing throughout your life.

2. Then, go a step further and examine those answers to find bigger themes, commonalities, repetitive words and key phrases.

3. Next, create your own unique life purpose statement using those key words and phrases.

4. Lastly, confirm your purpose. Does it resonate with how you see yourself and your vision? Do you feel happy and excited when you review it? Do you feel connected to it at a deep level and have a desire to fulfill it?

Your life purpose statement could take weeks or months of reviewing and refining. If working with a coach, it could take up to 3 or more sessions of working deeply together.

Once you have it, remember it’s for your own personal use. It’s a tool to inspire and guide you. To be on-purpose. To live on-purpose. You don’t need to share your life purpose statement with anyone else.

Enjoy the process of discovering your life purpose and once you have it, you can create your vision and mission next.

 

Photo by Matt Noble on Unsplash